Wednesday, June 21, 2006
AT WORK
A name popped up at the bottom right of my screen; I never thought I'd feel my heart thumping loudly as I read that you were online. Not that I meant something to you, not that I've been searching for you for the past decade to rebuild a lost friendship that we had when we were siblings, not that every women I’ve been with has an inkling of you, a memory of you.
It sounds unfair, isn't it? The reason why I've been with them is because in some way, I am reminded by them of you. Then again, you can always look at it in a different perspective; maybe my preferences are your qualities, maybe as I spend time with them the more I become convinced that my heart has always belonged to you?
I waited for a good couple minutes before sending you a message. I missed you I wanted to say, I want to know how you're doing today and if I can see you later after work however; I kept it simple, I kept it casual as with all our conversations.
When was I coming back, you asked me and it was corny (ok fine, cheesy) to say that I felt a pang in my chest when you gave that notion of wanting to see me however; it did. I felt a searing of wanting to be with you.
Am I fool to admit that I try and recall your voice and imagine the words you send heard in my mind? I'm hopeless I know, to think that something could come about us. You never gave any hints nor did you ever lead me on.
It's been a year now since, I've entered your life again. I can't say I'm an influence nor do we take into account each other's lives in a daily basis however; I make effort haven't I? Often I control myself not to send you letters or what have of what's been going on in my life and honestly, I've always wished and prayed that you'd open up to me too but, that's silly of me to expect something like that.
Despite our history, I'm still nobody in your life and I'm clueless in how I can be someone in yours.
How was I, you ask and I hesitate in telling you how I truly feel, how frustrated I am in the monogamy I'm facing, how I feel I'm wasting away my youth despite that my career is blooming and is worth envy of. I want to confess that I've been lazy to exercise wherein I know sports and exercise is a constant in your life, I keep putting it off however; I'm fortunate enough to have family here to look after what I eat and force me to stretch once in a while. I've reverted to preferring being on my own these past couple months. I miss my friends I wanted to say to her and I want to see her, to see if I really have feelings for her, to finally conclude that all I've been experiencing these past years will be in vain or not. Regardless, she will free me and I will have my answers soon enough.
Our conversation is winding down and I know I'm taking up her time, with me interrupting her work and all. I bid farewell with an excuse to have lunch and she bid her farewell stating that her shift has been over several minutes ago.
posted by vinz @ 3:52 AM
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