Monday, June 12, 2006
A PRAYER FOR STRENGTH AND HOPE
I feel like you're telling me we need to talk, you need to hear me say it, that I need to ask you to help me, so I can come back. I'm slowly being eaten away and I can't do anything about it but keep my faith and do what I can despite my morale being shattered. I have to persevere and soak everything up for in the end everything will be fine.
As the pass I feel emptier inside, I have tarnished a few of the principles I keep due to the constraints, due to the madness I'm experiencing as I stay here. I had a goal once, it kept my hopes up, it made me strong and kept me stable more or less however; despite doing my part regardless, how I delivered my end of the bargain, I have been duped, thought little of.
Dismay is what I feel as the minutes, hours and days drag on. My Will is slowly ebbing away and my control over my temper wanes.
"The universe will conspire to achieve our dream," I hear a distant voice say in my mind. These are mere trials that I have to endure and be strong with however; I'm afraid I'm losing it already, my health falters because I can't accept the fact that I've reached my goal without having to reap the rewards.
"It's just being delayed, it'll happen soon enough," a voice states. When? I ask, I've been waiting for more than a year and considering my history of short temperedness it's a miracle I've lasted this long.
I feel like I'm walking on a wire thread blindfolded, I don't know where all this is taking me and I can't help but wish that everything would, everything would conclude so I won't need to suffer.
I feel robbed in away, robbed by time spent with people I care for. I'm no longer their pillar of support and I hate it that I'm not a part of their lives anymore. Yet, I have to bid my time here so I can secure a financially stable future, for myself, for my parents, for my siblings.
I'm gaining and at the same time losing something about me as I stay here. It's a double edged sword come to think of it and I can't help but feel I'm still not utilizing my full potential. How can I utilize my full potential when I'm being undermined? Does it matter to me? Sometimes it matters, and with what happened today, it mattered. How can some people feel so superior and yet they are barbaric and crude? It's all about perspectives I suppose.
When I do come back, thirty days will seem too short. Too short of time to rekindle the flame that lies within. So here I am kneeling before you dear Lord, grant me my prayer.
posted by vinz @ 8:50 AM
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