Tuesday, June 13, 2006
NO FURTHER QUERIES PLEASE
"So, tell me," she asked as she wrapped her arms around mine, "why didn't you want to hold the baby?"
Well, because it might make me feel mushy inside, it might make me think of wanting my own and the longing I have will only seer in pain all the more or, I might get teary eyed, these were my first few thoughts of the matter but I simply said I just didn't feel like it though, the way I said it made her think otherwise.
We stopped walking and I looked at her, there was amusement brimming in her face and I couldn't help but smile, "please, just let me be. I don't want to tell you my reasons why I didn't hold the baby."
She pinched my torso and teased, "You were afraid you might drop the baby weren't you?" she said matter-of-factly.
I hesitated for a millisecond before I agreed with her and with that she knew I wasn't telling the whole truth.
"Look sweetie, what is your intuition telling you why I didn't hold the baby, is it positive or negative?" I asked and she's still smiling all giddy at me and she mouthed the word "positive" to answer my question.
"Well good," I say, "because it is... and no, I will not have you ask me any further queries regarding the matter." I was relieved she finally agreed to stop.
As I drove her home I realized she was quiet, staring blankly out the window thinking, probably day dreaming, or reflecting of how the day went.
At the door of her home she gave me a warm squeeze; I closed my eyes as I took in the moment; the scent of her hair, the warmth of her body, the tightness of our embrace.
I hear a voice in me say that this is how far I can go with her; I'll never be someone more in her life, for I'll always be her friend.
She gave me kiss to the cheeks and we bid farewell. As I sat in my car I placed my hand over my cheek, you'll always be a friend I hear the voice say echoing in my mind. I drove around for about an hour or so, thinking about my history with her, the times we spent and how we grew over the years.
It was a cool evening and I decided to sit at my lawn and look up into the stars as my dog muzzled his way between my pants and as I scratched him behind the ears.
The moon has been full for the past three days and I recall I used to write something lengthy whenever I noticed. I hear my phone ring informing me that I have received a sms, she's checking if I'm home already. I replied with my apologies that I completely forgot, she responded with a curt, "hah! Men. :p"
I still have a few weeks left before I come back to that lucid state of being away from everyone. I have to be stronger, I have to be more patient and motivated to take as much experience as I can in order for me to eventually support and raise a family.
I have two dreams; it's either have a family and be the best husband or father that I can be or I attain my wants with my chosen profession/career. Maybe I can have both, or maybe I can only have one regardless, I'll do what I can to the best of my abilities to reach these goals I've set for myself.
She sent me another sms, "Can you take my niece and me out tomorrow? She wants to watch that Disney movie. =)"
"I'd love to."
NOTE: will be compiled soon as a novel
posted by vinz @ 9:17 AM
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