Tuesday, October 04, 2005
A CHANGE IN PLANS
For the past few days her words have been replaying in my mind and I’ve decided that I will be staying for another year. Everything seems bearable as I know I have her and another friend of mine to accompany me in this exile. Career wise, it’s the best decision I am to take and I have more of a chance in succeeding, I have put a halt towards my plans and at the moment I am living my life as the day passes. I have to be patient and endure with the restraints I am currently having.
A hundred and forty nine days to go before I settle all accounts back home, and I will see my friends again and for a time forget the pain and mind bending happenings here.
Less than five months to endure and I have to maximize the time I have left to improve my know how in regards to my profession, the experience I am gaining is worth while and I just hope that I can endure my lifestyle here a bit more. It seems I managed to find myself in another situation where I feel trapped and deprived.
What is my escape, where do I retreat to pass my time, my haven? I sink back to old habits that I have succeeded to forget although; it doesn’t rule me any longer. I am grateful enough to be connected to the internet practically 24/7, friends are able to reach me, those who find the time and care enough to wonder how I have been.
I am bidding my time here and I have to garner that train of thought in which I am to numb everything and set my mind in accomplishing a small attainable goal in a short amount of time.
I know I have to stop the depression creeping within me and I am thankful that I have people in my life who keep it at bay. There’s a battle within me and despite the success I am currently having I can’t deny the feeling of loneliness. Regardless, of the feelings I have of the moment, I feel loneliness at the end of the day, hope has left and I have numbed the aspect of having someone in my life at present.
I don’t want to entertain thoughts of her, not that I’m not attracted to her or anything because, I am attracted to her; the first time I met her I felt attraction towards her.
I can’t entertain thoughts of her, I have too much of a high regard towards my feelings for her, and I’m not yet ready to take a step further in the kind of relationship we are having.
Do I find strength and encouragement in her words? Yes I do and, I find comfort in them as well. She truly is a marvel and I am fortunate enough to have her part of my life.
posted by vinz @ 8:00 AM
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