Saturday, September 10, 2005
EMBITTERED RAGE
I am at an utter loss as to which decision I made. A few days ago my brother wanted the digital camera my parents brought with them as they visited him for a month. The digital camera was bought from my salary and my younger brother.
Ultimately it was my decision if I were to let him “borrow” it. If I let him have it then I wouldn’t have anything to use with my blasted exile in this country. Even if I still have several months before I can take my vacation, it’s still half a bloody year. However, my older brother rarely asks for anything. If I didn’t let him have it then he’d feel bad about it but then, my mind states, “feel bad? So what?! He never calls or sends messages of how me and my younger brother are, the only time we hear from him is if we sent him his allowance for the month, so, what does that bloody tell you?!”
If I didn’t let him have it, I’d feel bad. Yet, I feel bad already having let him borrow it, what the f*ck will I use? How can I indulge on my creativity and improve on the hobby I am interested in without that piece of technology? Should I buy another camera, but that will only postpone my bloody stay here! Since, I’ve already set my budget for everything. I don’t indulge on material things, I prioritize its practicality first, the cost and if I indulge on the best in the market, I ask myself, “What will I have in return?” And the camera, I did indulge upon it because of the prospects I had in store for it and now, my older brother will be using it. And I just hate it that he always gets what he wants without thinking of the people who he received it from. Where the hell is your presence of mind? We’ve already given you the opportunity to live your dream and you still want more. I’ve already sent you the money for a new desktop computer and still you want more from me. Surely, it’s about bloody time for me, I practically gave you what I have the last 8 months here.
One reason why I think I can’t live with you anymore is for this reason. It’s always been about you, especially your conscience. Have you ever thought about the matters I wanted? No, I think you never have or have failed to fathom it all. I followed you more than half of my life, attempting and benchmarking myself to be like you. That’s all in the past, I know who I am and I already came into terms as to who I am as person. We are brothers and yet, there are some aspects we’ll never know towards each other. I’m no longer bitter because you practically spent your whole college life with your girlfriend and didn’t hang out just as what I had hoped. It is all in the past and we can’t change it nor can we mend it. The damage and the scars are there, you think I rarely care or take into consideration to what other people thinks, I say, you don’t know which perspective I am coming from.
The irony of it all is that he’s the eldest and we still support him. I wonder what goes through his mind when he said that he wanted to have the camera. I know it’s just a material thing however, I don’t see it that way. When I was left alone in the Philippines, I never asked for anything, never did I ask for an increase even if the money they send me every month was not cutting it. I make what due I have; I’ve always been like that, rarely asking anything from my parents. And I mean rarely. I wish he’d see the depth of what he asked us for. It’s pathetic since, I should have said these words from my mind right there and then over the phone. I didn’t because I know every word I’d utter will hurt him, and try as I may; doing something for my family is my weakness.
I rarely speak my mind in some regards, and the other day I said something to my younger brother because of his lack of presence of mind in regards to the people who care and love him. It was a moment of clarity for him since, the following day he’s made adjustments towards what I reprimanded him about.
I don’t know if I can last any longer. I wonder what it feels like to be alone and wouldn’t have anyone to worry about. Even when I was living alone in the Philippines, I had my dogs to worry about.
I’ve been working so hard these past couple of weeks and the strain is getting to me, I lash out my hate with every word that I utter. I want to be free from it all, this racking pain and bitterness that I have, I want the anger to fade soon. My patience is at a low and I seek solitude, leave me be with the music I listen to and the books that I have. Maybe I just need someone to hold me and assure everything will be alright and that everything will pan out in the end. I seek silence, silence from all these thoughts and worries that I carry. My back is in pain, this is probably due to the stress I’ve been carrying for several months.
I don’t need someone who will tell me what to do, who feels he’s good and mighty, look at yourself first before laying any assumptions. Your insecurities manifest when we speak and your certainty for the future is quite pathetic. Don’t lay any presumptions on me, and I won’t point out your greatness that I call mediocre.
posted by vinz @ 8:02 AM
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