Monday, September 26, 2005
INQUISITION
I slept almost the whole day yesterday and it felt really good, having to relax and think nothing about work. I can’t recall the dreams I had though I was happy that I finally had enough time to recuperate from the accumulated stress I undergone this past month.
I’ll probably be receiving my salary by next week, and I don’t know if I’ll buy something for myself or would I save it for my vacation. I’ve been thinking about that lately, if I’ll be coming back to the Philippines this December. I still have people waiting for me but I don’t know if I’d want to face them after all this time. Sure, I miss them but I still haven’t felt that I achieved something of myself and I guess, that’s always been my demise, I never feel satisfied with my achievements regardless, how remarkable they are. Maybe that’s the same with the women I’ve been with, never feeling satisfied even if they are affectionate and maybe, it’s also one of the reasons I tend to push them away. Contentment; I need it in my life though, achieving it is still a mystery to me, I always have this hunger, this relentless restlessness within me and a distaste in living my life in a monotony.
I feel blessed though, that I have a couple of lady friends of mine here that I can confide in, they truly are blessings in my life, I wouldn’t have lasted this long here without them. I’ve been thinking about what one of them said to me and it keeps echoing in my mind, I am a bit confused at the moment but I remind myself that I do not have the luxury of time here. I am on a deadline, little do they know and I have to make things happen next year or I might be left in dead air.
Will I succeed before my siblings? I have no idea.
For now, I must concentrate in the few things that matter in the next several months, I have friends and they keep me sane living here and I am thankful for that, I also have my parents in which I gave in to their request and of course, I have with me my sibling, it’s been years since we lived with each other and hanged out with one another, I am grateful that we had the chance to spend this time here and soon, he’ll be going on ahead with his life, I wish I can succeed before him, in order I can support him with his studies.
Everyone has been waiting to read my novel and I’ve revised it for about a couple dozen times already, I haven’t been satisfied with the character of the story and I’m having problems in regards to the dialogues. Though I have to say some of the dialogues I’ve written are based from actual conversations I’ve had with the women in my life, friends and ladies I’ve been with.
I show a different side of me when I am with a crowd, and usually you’ll find the sincere side of me if you and I are alone. I carry a lot of people’s secrets and I am honored to keep them though I have to say I am not one to fully confide in my secrets and worries. I’ve written in these journals of mine scenes from my life which is chaste. Though, I haven’t mentioned that I’ve had on occasional bouts been to one-night-stands. The reason for which I suppose is that it isn’t something to be proud of and well, not that I tricked any of them, it was all consensual and I never did it with someone who hasn’t any experience. This little detail about me I suppose keeps me ahead of my siblings in regards to experience with women. And well, I did it for my older brother too, I lived the life he wanted to but couldn’t, and well, I did it with flair and consensual understanding. That I suppose, keeps me apart from the other men out there.
I am humbled in having the knowledge that I have in several occasions to have a friend of mine feel like a real woman, going out on a date with her with flair and afterwards -not always mind you, a night of intimate experience. I became a benchmark for her and it was the agreement we had, and because of it she found a decent man in her life.
I recall the first time it happened, a friend of mine said that I should stop relating to her these ideas for this lady I am vying for and a week later she asked for this favor and I gave in to her whims because that same week, I was turned down by the lady I was vying for and also, I was curious as well, wanting to know if I was all talk and no action.
So, it came a date in which I have meticulously planned and I was mending a broken heart at the time and this was as I thought; my way of coping and moving on. As I said, the date was spent with flair and a night of intimate experience, and I started to learn and improve my ways in that regard.
I had a friend in which one of the topics we were talking about one late night at my home in regards to my writing. She was curious what if I wrote intimate details in regards to pleasure and it was new to me, uttering these thoughts out loud and yes, something happened that night and we were both single at the time.
“Do you do this all the time with your friends?” one of them asked, and I told her “No, it’s usually you who start conversing the topic and I see through your curiosity, for I am as I said highly intuitive and sometimes, it’s a curse and a blessing, I can also read your body language, that’s when I know if I should go on or not, reading does have it’s advantages.” I say and smile.
On another occasion: “You’re sweet and you really do know how to say the right words,” a friend of mine once said as we were driving towards her home and I replied with a frown, “Do I? I’m just being honest and say the things that I notice.”
“You know, she’ll be lucky to have you, when you find that lady in your life.”
Why does these past events come into mind, I’ve been having problems committing to the women I’ve been with, not that I cheat on them rather, I have the tendency in not following through with their feelings, why do I tend to do things in which that will turn them off in the end? Am I afraid to commit or is it because this feeling I am having isn’t enough or isn’t up to my expectations? However, when it does happen, or at least when I think it is happening I am always left alone in the dark. Is it because I tend to put them in a pedestal? Or is it because my confidence is shattered when I am sincere with someone?
Maybe it isn’t my time yet.
Maybe I still have a lot to work on.
Maybe I simply need to take my mind off these matters and concentrate in my career more.
Regardless, I am fortunate enough to have these people enter my life and I have to say that I have undergone a tremendous amount of change to the way I was in the past. I still have those traits in me but I have more control over it and I have developed and nurtured certain aspects in which I am proud of. I’ve done a lot of mistakes in the past and I have more than once experimented on matters so that I may explore who I am as a person. I know who I am and what I want in this life, I may not have a definite plan to get there but I am hell bent in getting there.
posted by vinz @ 9:28 AM
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