Sunday, May 02, 2004
Another Sleepless Night
I am at a predicament and it seems to me that the incident that happened to me over more than a year ago has led me to this unpleasant situation.
A lady turned me down and it was the first in a long time that I fully let myself open up to someone. I neglected my instincts and from it the demise I came upon in the end.
At present I’m having trouble entering an intimate relationship. Intimate by my definition of opening myself to her fully, letting her understand and know what makes me tick. Only one person truly knows who I am.
I do go out with different ladies however; at present I’ve been spending time with friends I know little about. Entering a relationship is the least thought in my mind.
A little over a month ago, I could have entered a relationship with two women, I didn’t for I couldn’t feel anything with them and what made them want me was my fault. I flirted with them and they bit the bait. I’m citing this not to brag or anything, quite simply to base as a fact. However, mind you that both ladies weren’t from my college.
I can’t say why I did it, or how I did it for that matter, the words easily flowed from my lips. I’m not saying I can do this to any lady I choose and the lady I figured was attracted to me in the first place and I merely followed through.
As of the moment I’m doing my best to spend time with friends that I barely know and trying my best to fulfill promises that I’ve made such as cooking for them. Earlier on, I visited a friend that I occasionally visit her home and fulfilled my promise to her of me cooking my white sauce pasta that I’ve been boasting for some time and I’m glad that I accomplished that task and with humility proved to her that what I was bragging about in the past was true.
Often people misunderstand my intentions regarding why spending or finding time with people I barely know and for that matter with them. I still can’t fully understand why I do it. Probably, the way I lived my childhood, I recall I was always angry and moody and I can’t seem to understand why I was like that. Quite possibly, I regret a lot of things I’ve done in the past. I was inconsiderate and arrogant and for the past several years I’ve been doing my best to change all that. Thus, from all of these are reasons why I’m adamant to my principles and maybe why I find time for them. I want them to have a vivid memory of me as someone they could count on when in need of an honest opinion or other matters such as having fun or enjoying a movie without worrying of making moves at her/them.
I suppose you could say I’m venting out my thoughts at the moment and casting it out to the world.
posted by vinz @ 6:27 PM
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