Sunday, December 11, 2005
PREORDAINED NOTIONS
For someone who’ve gotten used to living alone for three years and being independent from their parents –to a degree, for seven years, living with them again brings back memories as well as old habits that I have grown out of.
In a different perspective it’s comforting however, as for me, I feel like I’m diverting to someone I don’t want to become. I’ve always been different from my siblings preferring to be alone most of the time and being privy to my friends.
My friends’ parents sometimes ask me how I do it: Living alone and being able to care for myself, the fact of the matter is I don’t think about it, I’ve gotten used to it and I’ve always viewed life differently than the rest. I’ve always assumed that I’ll accomplish something without knowing how but, have a rough plan as to how to get there. Landing this job that I have is a testament to that way of thinking.
I have a problem of letting go, that I suppose is my pet peeve. My college years are proof of that and I can recount a number of instances where I’ve had qualms with letting go; from little to huge matters. I know I need to change that and I’ve been trying for the past decade. However, being here and having to live through a lot of things all over again, makes it harder. I have to face it sooner or later; I understand that however, it’s a different story when you’re actually the one who has to submit yourself to that situation.
Is it wrong to want to be independent? To crave for it? Certainly not, however, you have to view things to little lighter. Can I do that I ask myself, view things a little lighter and learn to let go easily? I’ve been trying but the pain keeps redoubling back.
There is progress and I’m fighting off the hurt by busying myself and concentrating on positive things however, I think I over exerted myself in that regard the past several weeks.
Fatigue is claiming me, and I am still frail from everything that has happened. Hopefully when I come back to the Philippines I can embark on the path in which it’ll heal and amend all of the wrong things that I’ve done. I will confess my doubts and my hurt to a friend I hardly know and yet have a strong connection with. A connection both of us seem to understand and I find refuge in her thoughts as I know I’ll find comfort in letting everything out; years of pent up emotions will be unleashed. I honestly don’t know what will become of it; all I know is that I need to do this, for this will be a defining moment for me.
posted by vinz @ 12:07 PM
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