Saturday, November 26, 2005
RAVAGED
I can’t stand it that those words keep haunting me in my sleep and in every moment when I find my concentration drifting. A surge of pain comes forth and I hate the bitterness creeping within me. I have to resolve this matter in my own way and yet it’s been weeks since everything fell onto a conclusion.
What happens now my mind asks but, I don’t want to think ahead, I can’t let myself see what lies ahead, everything I ran away from in the past seems to be catching up to me. I don’t want to face it. I don’t want to admit it. That’s why I’ve always wanted to be away from them in order for the competitive nature in me not to manifest. I hate losing and yet I have to admit that I have my own weaknesses, I lack a lot of things and I just can’t seem to see the goodness in me, I can’t see what my strengths are, do I even make a difference anymore?
I feel like I’m reverting to my old self, where in I don’t have a care with the world around me. Living a life of escape; keeping one’s mind diverted to other matters in order for one not to deal with the pain.
I’m hurting, and I don’t want you to know. I can’t let any of you know however, even at hiding my feelings I fail. I can’t let you see me; you’ll see the pain and the weariness in my eyes. I have to be happy for you, I should be happy for you but the hurt I feel is overpowering it all, that’s why I should be away. I want it all to fade and maybe in time it will.
This feeling compares to what I felt a few years ago and it led me to the lowest point of my life. I won’t go to the lengths as to how I dealt with my grief then. I promised myself I won’t go down that far and what I did wasn’t the answer to my problems. But the pain is here; stinging and burning me as I recall what happened between you and me.
I feel trapped and I hate it that I don’t have anyone to run to. I don’t have that someone in which I can retreat to and be free to show the real me; hurt and wanting comfort.
I wish I had a lady friend who I can run to and surrender to her all the feelings that have been bottling up inside me. Her company would be enough, and she’d provide a comforting embrace and after which I could just let the tears loose. However I don’t have that someone, I don’t even know if I can do it, I’d either feel too embarrassed or too awkward. Even though, to some I’ve lived with them their worst and lowest point in life. I don’t know if I can do it. All I seem to have been doing is eluding the situation in front of me, not wanting to deal with it and keeping it on hold as much as possible. Look where it has led me because I’ve been eluding everything, I missed my chance, the situation has changed and for me to think of how the situation has changed brings me to a whole new understanding of what pain is.
I am hurting and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to face her, I can’t look at her in the eye and say that everything is fine from my end, I don’t hate her, God knows how much I care for her, how much I want her to be happy however, I don’t want to know the details about her life with him, I don’t even want a clue.
Without meaning to, she opened an old wound within me, something I’ve been avoiding since I came to live with my family after five years. Something that concludes that I can’t be with them any longer, I’m used to living by myself and being with them again makes me feel less of the person that I was when I didn’t have them in my daily life.
Next month will be the holidays, and this would be my first Christmas with my parents in six years. I used to sulk and hate the holidays, for I always spent it alone however, for the past two years, I’ve been spending it with friends and recently an affectionate family that I envied.
I realize now that affection doesn’t work in my family and I’ve tried for the past year. It will never work because; I still have issues, issues that might never be resolved because it’s been tempered with time and timeless repetition. I don’t know how to be honest with my feelings with them, I know they’ll get hurt and the image that they see me will change. Let them have the illusion of who I am, let them keep it. I don’t want their wrath upon me; I’m tired of it all.
I have to concentrate in making my way in the world now and that will be my New Year resolution. Come 2007 I will be away from their lives paving my way in a new environment and hopefully the business I’ve been planning on the past couple of days will be able to stand on its own.
posted by vinz @ 2:47 PM
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7 Comments:
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At 2:36 PM, said…
hey there..i dunno you..but somehow i emphatize..take care of yourself. there's a lot more to life than you think there is. i am in no position to give advice..but i've been there before..i've had my moments of depressions and desperation. and i can tell you that you'll learn hww to deal with it soon enough:) life is god's gift to you. and how you use it is your gift to him. i would rather choose to remember a person with the happy memories he gave me. that's all i can sya..take care:)
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At 2:58 PM, vinz said…
thanks for empathizing. :)
i do hope i get by from all this and i know i will, soon enough i will... in my own way.
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At 4:33 AM, said…
we all go through the phase when we feel inadequate... maybe we just gotta know how rough rock bottom feels to push us to the surface and to higher bounds, new environment, new adventure, new people... we don't really know what things are yet to unfold (for you). wish i had a crystal ball and tell you why you are feeling this way or why it has happened so i could shield you from your pain... but i don't have any. but i am however, a lady and a friend..... would that define the compoundword ladyfriend??? lolz, just making you crack that smile. you'll be fine..and when you think you've had enough and you couldnt take it anymore...tell me, so you could share your sadness with me. looking forward to see you =) you are such a great person don't fault yourself on that.
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At 8:16 PM, vinz said…
thanks for the kind words jammy, i'll chat with you soon :)
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At 11:06 PM, said…
I don't have the words, but what you've written reminded me of this dialogue from the Lord of the Rings: The two towers movie:
"Frodo Baggins: I can't do this Sam.
Sam Gamgee: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for."
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At 6:53 AM, Unknown said…
just hang in there....
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At 12:49 PM, vinz said…
i'm hanging in there.. thanks again =)
