Sunday, November 13, 2005
:cRAp:
Complications have arisen and I never thought I would feel this much pain again. I can’t find the reason to justify this pain I’m feeling, all I know is that I feel hurt with the recent events and, it’s hard but I’m trying to understand and see the different perspectives.
I should be rational and logical about this; my mind is but I’m hurting inside and I can’t admit it. I can’t admit it but I must confess it, I need to vent it out loud before I sink into that pathetic darkness which I have sunk myself into in the past. That’s why I don’t want to fall for someone, that’s why I turn my back at the last minute with the previous women in my past in fear that whenever I become sincere it explodes in front of me and this time, this time I managed to find myself in another hurt that will catapult it to a whole new level.
I am a total wreck.
I can’t shed tears; I’m always the strong one, the cold, numb and uncaring one. I’ve always been driven, achieve my wants and I hate the feeling of not being in control, I hate surprises, every single one of my close friends know how I utterly hate surprises; the reason is I hate losing control, I hate being led by actions I don’t have control in –well, some actions.
I use my depression and hurt to do “good”, it is my escape from the misery I usually find myself in, it is my escape from my uncertainties. I prefer to make someone smile than to think about my insecurities and I have a lot of insecurities.
The one thing I know I am good at is when I put my mind into something and then, I can express it; what my soul feels. I commune with God more so than others might think. But I can’t help but feel lost. Lost in the whirlwind hurt I am feeling. I use humor to mask myself the pain I feel, I feel worthless for myself and yet, worth something when I do “good” for people I care for.
I feel my fate is to be alone for I am never satisfied, always on the go, wanting to learn more and having so feels like I haven’t learned anything. I thirst for knowledge and gain and yet, it eludes me. Is this my fate? Always a step away from my wants and never attaining that contentment and satisfaction I long for. I hate myself for being greedy and selfish though, in retrospect I am not. I want to be free of my misery and be free from all my ties. Maybe, that’s my answer, to be free from it all, breaking all those bonds and start a life a new? I can’t be a witness, I can’t be in the middle of it all, and I can’t stand this feeling.
I am utterly terrified of what will happen and, with what might happen, it will break me again and I must retreat into my own world to escape it all however, should I do that? Is that the best solution and answer to my problems? If I can’t bend things to my liking might as well leave it and move on? Bloody F*ck.
I take a lot of things for granted. I know it and I do nothing. This is my karma. Shall I give up on that dream of mine? I wish I’m back in the Philippines, so I can drive in the wee hours in the morning and shout or scream to my hearts content as I do so. I need the numbing in which alcohol provides and I need the privacy of my home and the comfort of music. I want to be away from everything at the moment. This can’t be happening; I’ve foreseen it and I’ve denied it. Here it is now, a slap in the face and I can’t admit the pain I’m going through. I have trouble breathing and I can’t believe how pitiful I’ve become.
The rage in me rattles its cage, wanting to be free and sink it’s self in a drunken stupor after it tires.
I’ve always been the dreamer, the stars have foretold it and I must reside that I can’t escape this trait of mine, it’s natural to me as breathing and because of it I’ve set myself so high up for a fall in which I know I won’t not come out safely.
Why don’t I retort this bitterness with hate? I can’t because people I love are involved. I can’t be cold-hearted. I just can’t but then to be happy? I don’t know how, for I am clouded with this bitterness and bleeding hurt. Bloody F*ck, I am utterly hating myself to be so weak.
posted by vinz @ 2:42 PM
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2 Comments:
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At 11:01 PM, xam said…
easy does it vinz.... go on, maybe you can drive to the desert and scream your heart out? hmm... i guess you really have to get drunk. can't blame you. can't blame you... god bless.
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At 3:06 PM, vinz said…
yeh.. i'm trying to sam.. thanks for reading though :)
