Sunday, August 28, 2005
STRESSED AND WORRIED
I am in need of a moment of peace. I need to silence the incessant thoughts in my mind and rest. I feel tired, how long can I keep this up before I give in to the strain. A retreat from everything is what I need and yet, how can it be so? With the current situation I am in.
I feel trapped, and I need to be free from all this however, if I do that, I might never be able to attain that financial security I am aiming at. Just a little more time and prayers to the almighty, that’s what my mom would say.
Moments of doubt come to mind and it infuriates me to think such matters. I wish I can personally talk to the people that I confide in. I miss the late nights wherein we learn from each other and grow more as a person because of the sensible conversations we delve in. All that is in the past and I am challenged to pursue matters in a totally different medium.
I am thankful however, that regardless of my situation I’ve made new friends and have touched lives despite my distance from them.
I am struggling nevertheless, and my time is running out. I can’t go back since; I know I won’t find attain the things I am vying for. If I do go back, it’ll be to settle things. I am at a phase where I need a drastic change; will it be always like this? Wherein I crave to for a change in the monotony I am currently living in? I take measures into my own hands though, at the moment, that drastic change isn’t an option. If it were only so, I am half way there I tell myself, just a little more time. But I want to escape it all; I need to move on to the next step. I tire of these thoughts nagging in my mind and I want it all to end. What is the remedy? Where and when can I find that answer?
I need silence in my life, and I need to feel the wind in my face, a fresh, moist breeze. I need solace under the stars with a few bottles of vodka cruisers with me. I wish I could be with someone to talk anything that is their thoughts, so that I won’t be reminded with the matters in my mind.
I wish I could talk to her, and marvel at her thoughts. I wonder what she’d be wearing on a cold night such as that. I want to see her face alive and full with her thoughts and opinions, I want to hear her laugh and see her smile and if I’m lucky, see her blush.
My mind asks me why haven’t grown tired of it all. Writing thoughts about her when there really aren’t any improvements regarding my communication with her and instead, I delve upon things that seem to will never happen. Why do you go on?
Why do you go on? The question rages in my mind and the answer I utter is being retorted by a “do you really?”
I will stand by my feelings despite everything, this could all be a test, a one sided test, then? I don’t know, what I do know is I‘ll follow my heart’s desire. It might break me, I am already at the verge and then again, it might not.
posted by vinz @ 8:14 AM
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