Sunday, August 21, 2005
A SUDDEN FEELING OF LONELINESS
It simply hit me, as I was in the finance department, sitting there waiting for the finance people to finish the job I had them do. Today was hectic and I haven’t noticed the time and everything started out in a rush, and I managed everything in the nick of time. The day is almost at an end and it hit me, a panging pain in the chest and I felt lonely for the first time in a long while.
The last time I recall feeling anything like it was the few months my first girl-friend left me. I don’t know what got into me, I just felt so alone and well, it just hit me that I wanted to come home to with someone, someone I could tell everything I have that’s been bottling up inside me. The care and comfort someone can only bring in a romantic relationship. Sure, I’ve had flings and a previous relationship after my first girl-friend and I had my close friends with me to listen to my woes. However, it’s different, this feeling that I long for, something similar to the way I felt with my first girl-friend, a feeling of being with someone to be there for you when you need it, a comfort she can only bring and a contentment in one’s self that holds unconditional love, the kind of love a partner can only bring and the irony of it all is, the one person that came into my mind that I wished to share it with, is someone I hardly know and yet the link between us is undeniable and can’t be compared with, no matter what people may think. She was my first friend that wasn’t of blood and it was during our times of innocence that our friendship came to be.
The feeling of loneliness, I felt I wanted to cry and it’s kind of embarrassing admitting to all this here and well, quite unmanly (as cliché as it may sound), but hey, it’s the damn truth. I’m not one to cry with the things happening within me, well, not since childhood. However, I do find myself at times being teary eyed when the situation calls for it, like watching a movie and on occasion, a parent showing affection towards her child and vice versa. When I usually find myself in these situations I react with humor, especially when I’m with someone.
And I don’t know if I’ll just let myself shed the tears that I want to, now that I find myself alone at home. Should I let myself come to that point and let it all out? Or do I bottle it all up as I have over the past decade? What will come of it if I have done so? Would I feel better or worse than before? Should I risk it and let it all out?
The words she is a part of my life again still rings true in my mind, before I go to sleep and after I wake in the morning. To think I can see her everyday by means of a photo gives me hope that I can be with her soon. Though, how soon? That, I don’t know. How can an image of someone give off so much connection? Is it a one sided connection? That, I can’t answer.
Thoughts of physical affection come into mind and mind you, everything is chaste. A long hug, that’s probably one of the little pleasures I’m longing for, a warm hug from someone you love unconditionally, her scent mingling with yours, the fragrance of her hair and the look in her eyes knowing that she’s here for you no matter what. Is it wrong to daydream about those things with her? Even if you can’t help it?
Yet, “Right” and “Wrong” is so vague nowadays, at least, that’s what I believe in. For me “Right” is the justification of your morality as well as with “Wrong”. I remember this one lecture in general psychology where in this one psychologist gave tests about moral decisions for people to make. For instance, here was a guy who had a pregnant wife, and the doctor told him that his wife needed an operation and he had to choose which one would live, his wife or his child. Now, for me, I’d choose my wife over the child, no debate there. Why? Well, I can always get her pregnant again and well, if she can’t have a child again afterwards, I’d prefer having her in my life because I know her, and not the child I am to have. “Knock-on-wood”, I pray to the almighty that this scenario would never happen to me.
I have to admit the silence we are currently having leaves me in a bit of a pain, it happens when you like someone. The main reason I think it leaves me in pain is because I still hardly know her and long to be a part of her life. I am a part of her life but, I want more of a role in it. I have to be patient and I don’t want to mess things up with her, not with her. It is a relief though, that I don’t look for reasons of “why?” and “how come?” she hasn’t done “this” or “that”. I’ve learned to look into the goodness in people and there always is a good, innocent situation and, as well as, just reason for everything. I’ve learned to become understanding, a trait not everyone can take pride in.
I keep recalling that night when we last saw each other. I knew I had a lot to improve on if I am to be with her, and it’s amazing because I can still recall those feelings after all this time though, I regret I can vaguely remember her face and yet, the radiance of her character is vivid. Feelings of wanting to impress come into mind and as always, I found a natural way of embarrassing myself. Thanks to my siblings for emphasizing on that scenario on that evening and well, it was a learning experience for me. The saying “you learn from your mistakes” is true and ideal for me because, I naturally make mistakes and I learn from them. Regrets and mistakes are the foundations of my principles and regardless of the pain and disappointment it has brought me, it also pave way to the man I have become, a man who holds his integrity above all else. A man who has learned to show his affections towards the people he loves, one who is adamant in keeping his principles and his word for that matter.
I honestly don’t know what will happen when I come face to face with her. I pray that we have chemistry and that when I’m with her, there would be an ease in the midst of our presence, where every conversation would come smoothly and I’d be hearing her thoughts more often than mine. I miss her voice, and I hope that when I’m with her, the restraints I naturally have would crumble or dissipate.
I miss her, and I won’t let odds or what have you influence a fade in my feelings for her. I take into heart the few moments that I have spent her, the thought of making her smile and a show of speechlessness from my thoughts warms me up nicely. I am yielding to the whims of my thoughts, and she is in the midst of it all, a wishful thinking that has been fulfilled after almost a decade. I am probably madly in love, can’t you tell from what I’ve written so far?
posted by vinz @ 12:54 PM
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