Tuesday, July 18, 2006
POINTLESS
Here I thought I'd be able to relax and not think about much during my vacation, I was wrong. I'm still having trouble sleeping, I'm still anxious about a lot of things.
I have a few personal items that have gone missing and yet, I knew I told a friend of mine to keep it in mind. Apparently, I was wrong to trust and rely on this friend of mine. It's my fault really, I should have written it down and yet, the persons' responsible should have taken the initiative. It's no one's fault however; I'm the one who has occurred loss.
I'm disappointed in myself for not being careful enough, I've learned my lesson in the past and no matter how much you believe in one person, one should never take such chances especially, when that said item has a lot of history in acquiring.
It's only a material item, it shouldn't cause a big deal however; the values behind it caused the hurt, the wound.
Sigh, I'm back to where I felt a couple of years ago; not knowing where I truly belong. In some aspects I've become dull, in others I expect too much. I don't know what's happening to me, a part of me wants to be here while the other wants me to escape and continue in reaching my goals in life.
I hate being taken for granted. I hate getting insulted despite the diplomacy; fuck them for being rude and crude.
I feel trapped again, I'm having trouble breathing, and my heart is palpitating like there won't be any tomorrow. I'm still under a lot of stress, a lot of things have gone wrong with my social life here however; I can't deny on the improvement on a few matters.
It all boils down to trusting and relying on me once again. I have to be stronger, more in control with everything that I do and own.
I expect too much because I'm capable of a lot things and I know it's wrong of me to think such matters. Maybe this is my drawback for being deviant. Maybe these are repercussions for always relying on me.
I've been back for two weeks and I'm back in being there for friends who've entered a crisis in their life, what would have happened if I wasn't here?
I was grinding my teeth again, tell tale signs that I'm under a lot of stress. I think too much my mom and aunt said. I need to take my mind off things and relax. I was fortunate enough the other night when a friend helped me in that regard.
I am at a loss in which where I'm supposed to head right now, I am at a loss with disappointment for expecting too much with some of my friends. Maybe, I'm just too high up there? I have trouble moving on; I have qualms in forgetting what wrong was done to me. I need to lighten up but the fact is, the scars I bore from past experiences will not dissipate, it will always be there reminding me to trust and rely on someone will cause a deep wound sooner or later.
posted by vinz @ 10:37 PM
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1 Comments:
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At 1:48 PM, paninigirl said…
vinzi,
take it easy. it's supposed to be vacation. just take a handful each day, don't carry the worries of the future at one time. one lazy step at a time, after all, you're on vacation! cheer up! ;-)
