Thursday, April 13, 2006
SOMETHING MISSING
There’s always something lacking, something missing that I can’t point my finger to. Maybe I’m just not ready; maybe I’m just not satisfied and not yet ready to settle down. Have I been chasing an unattainable dream? Maybe after I’ve been reunited with her I’ll find my answer.
After all these years, after that time that I shunned the world and attempted to define who I am, I still find myself at a loss as to what I want and how I want to live my life. Even though, I’m going some where, I can’t help but think that I should be doing something else. Something meaningful to me in which, at the end of the day, I can lie in bed and smile as I sleep.
More and more doors seem to open. I find myself caught in between despite that I’ve moved forward, I find myself in a similar situation I’ve been in a couple of years ago. I’m still hesitant to pursue, to lavish and to bask with prospective opportunities. Maybe I really am good regardless what I perceive myself as such. Even if I wanted to, I find my body rigid and unwavering to the ideals I’ve chosen.
I had a chat with an old friend of mine; we haven’t talked to one another in three or so years. We dated a couple of times but never really hanged out as much compared to talking on the phone. I suppose I’m more comfortable in showing a side of me if she can’t see me. The chemistry between us is still there and it’s as if we haven’t seen each other in while. I was happy to know that she was engaged with the man who is right and meant for her.
She said something to me that made my heart swell and it seems I’m really not that bad of a person after all. This is what she said, “
yup you're right nahanap ko rin sha. ikaw lang naman ang isa pang guy na hindi kasama sa population ng typical guy na kakilala ko.” I wonder now, if I have strayed from her perception of me. Then again, who am I fooling? I know the answer to what I’ve been questioning and the honest truth is, is that I haven’t strayed from her perception of me despite what I’ve been uttering. I still hold my convictions regardless of what words I’ve used and it isn’t because I’m forced not to rather, I won’t.
I’ve started writing so I can understand myself and for two years I’ve written diligently about my thoughts and after all this time I’ve come to terms and noticed patterns about me. I’ve adjusted, adapted and have grown for the better regardless, if I am currently not at my best.
There’s more for me out there, I know there something out there waiting for me. All I can do now is continue as to what I have roughly planned for my life. And maybe, if I’m fortunate enough, as I continue this trek I’ll find what I’ve been searching for.
It will come soon and it will be a moment in my life in which everything will fall according to place.
posted by vinz @ 8:33 AM
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